REVIEWS: Live Blogging the Oscars Even Though I've Only Seen One or Two Movies This Year

As far as I can remember, the only Oscar-nominated movie I've seen ths year was Bridesmaids. Well, I also saw The Social Network, but that was nominated last year, or maybe the year before.

So naturally I feel obligated to live blog and offer my extremely educated opinions. Mostly because if I just sit and watch, I'll die of boredom. I'll probably take a long ice cream break, shower during the lifetime achievement crap, and fall asleep at 10:05. Here goes.

The Oscar I usually watch.

The Oscar I'm watching tonight. Decidedly less informed about this one.

8:37 p.m.
Martin Scorcese's daughter (I'm assuming that's his daughter?) looks as enthralled as I am.

8:43
I honestly thought Hugo was animated. (My husband just said, "We can be in Mordor by sundown!" Because he looks like Ian McKellan?) (The guy from Hugo...not my husband.)

8:47
I was more excited about the Ellen commercials tonight than the show itself. I can go to bed now. Just kidding! I haven't even had ice cream yet.

8:52
Why are we retrospect-ing already? The show's been on for 20 minutes.
I appreciate the irony in J-Lo saying a woman's dress should be loose enough to show she's a lady. She looks like boobs in Saran wrap. And I can see 50% of her butt cheek.

9:00
Are we reminiscing about our first movie? Mine was Follow that Bird. Starring Big Bird. He gave a convincing performance.

9:05
Seriously? My two year old is awake? Go back to sleep!

9:06
I miss Sandra Bullock's face. I mean that literally -- I miss the face she had last year.

9:11
I freakin' love Melissa McCarthy. I hope everyone voted for her.
Oh. Nope.

9:13
Okay, now I love Octavia Spencer too.

9:20
Let me just say this is a 100% accurate portrayal of focus groups.

9:22
Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper! Girl crush and boy crush!

9:25
"Let's get out of here, we're editors" will probably stand as my favorite acceptance speech of the night.

9:26
"Hugo." "No, HU-go." I just threw up in my mouth.

9:30
Snack time. Why aren't Reese's Eggs available year-round?

9:36
Cirque du Soleil = awesome. OMG IS THAT GIRL SPINNING ON ONE ARM EVEN KIDDING? Insane.

9:42
Nominees for Best Documentary: Hmm? Huh? What? And Who?

9:46
My husband is officially asleep. That pretty much cuts the number of people paying attention to my obnoxious commentary in half.

9:58
Okay, so I just took a Words With Friends break....did I miss anything? I'm guessing no.

10:09
Mind-reading bit = not funny at all. Brad Pitt has a lot of kids! Martin Scorcese directs movies! Ha ha ha haaaa I should go to sleep.

10:12
It's Lightning McQueen!
It's Lightning McQueen!
It's Lightning McQueen!
It's Lightning McQueen!

10:25
I'm losing interest. Even Angelina can't save me now.

10:53
Just spent 25 minutes on Pinterest. Looks like the show has stayed mostly boring.

10:56
Governers Awards? I'm going back to Pinterest.

11:11
Make a wish! I wish I were asleep.

11:20
Jean Dujardin is a handsome man.

11:29
Yay Meryl Streep. I'm going to sleep. <-- That's poetry.
Sorry, Best Picture. I'm trying to care enough! But I don't.